I'm Maud. I'm Pete's mother. Pete's a good lad and keeps himself to himself when he's not busy carrying his bag around the village. Oh dear...now what have I just said? I didn't mean that he's been carrying Eunice around! No...she can walk, and the further she goes the better, although some say she goes too far too quickly. Anyway I'm here to pass on the latest news from behind the counter at Holts, the corner shop where Wendy works. Wendy is the daughter of the lady who cleans for the woman at the big house behind the garage. They are related to the Denby's over by the orchard and never a nicer family could you meet, though I've not met them myself. Wendy is therefore to be trusted to pass on only the facts and not get involved in petty gossip.
When I saw her, Wendy was a bit upset to be honest with you. She said she heard them as clear as if she'd been standing in front of them! It was that hussy Belinda and her chap Freddie from the farm over the hill. Right there in the shop, Belinda handed something to Freddie and said as clear as day "Can you put on my vibrator and tuck it down my bra Fred?"...this was in the middle of the shop! Poor Wendy was bent down behind the counter! She said she was afraid to stand up in case Freddie had put the thing down on the counter. She said if she'd seen it she'd have hit it with a mallet! I mean...you don't expect that sort of behaviour in Holts, not when there's fresh greens on sale and there's a cut price offer of tripe on Tuesdays.
Millie came into the shop just as Belinda and Fred were leaving, and Wendy said you should have seen her face! It was covered in banana skins held on with sticky tape! Apparently she'd got sunburned and her Kelly had told her to put banana skins on the red patches. Well the poor girl couldn't see where she was going! Well, she came to the counter and asked Wendy for lubrication fluid. That made Wendy catch her breath for a minute...being as how Freddie and Belinda had asked for the same thing, and with them doing things they shouldn't do when someone's bent over and not looking. But it turned out that Millie has a nut that wouldn't move. Well, her Bert has always been sluggish and downright lazy...so why she thinks that lubrication fluid will shift him I don't know. Wendy's heard him boasting about his fitness regime. He's telling folk that he goes to the gym for an hour each morning, when she knows for a fact that he calls his visits to the bathroom 'Jim'! Well, as she says, she could call her fanny Nike but that wouldn't make it fit!